The dangers of mussar

Many of us will remember those days in Yeshiva, the long hours into the night, reading mesilas yesharim, shaaray teshuva etc., trying to work on ourselves. Work on our middot. Work on our bittul zman. Remeber every minute of every day Shivisi Hashem LeNegdi Tomid, even in the bathroom, in bed, everywhere, He is there, watching, waiting, recording our every action and thought for posterity. Elevated goals, worthy aims for Bney Torah, future potential Talmidey Chachamim and Gedoley Hador.

With the first step outside the four ells of the Beis Medrash walls, reality bites. It smacks you like the freezing winter wind, burning your face and wrapping its icy tentacles round your soul. Where have all the bochurim gone? Why is everyone obsessed with Bennifer, with Bradenifergelina, with everything but spiritual improvement? College students looking to engorge themselves on alcoholic beverages, worshipping "Frank the Tank" and not the Chazon Ish. I'm not going to achieve Ruach Hakodesh in this atmosphere!

All the learning, davening, good deeds, smiling and being a mensch I do is not good enough. I'm still mevatel zeman, not finishing off masechtas like they were orcs and I am Aragorn, cutting my way through them, discarding them on my quest through Shas. My thoughts are not as tahor as they once was, I am subjected to a barrage of flesh, an avalanche of decadence, everywhere I turn my nemesis attacks me. What am I? A failure! I've let my Rebbes down, my family, the Ramch"al, and most of all the Aibishter. They had such high hopes of me getting ruach hakodesh and I can't even concentrate during long tachanun! But there was no way they could shelter me from this, certainly not for more than a year or two. Why didn't they prepare me for this?

Never mind that I swim against the crowd, I get up for davening (almost) every morning, I have daily chavrutot, I help other people out with their learning, I invite people over, I keep shabbos and yomim tovim, I try and sanctify G-d's name by being a good person. Never mind that Hashem treasures those few hours of learning I manage to do during the week, despite the pressures of work, study, etc. Forget the fact that being a good honest mensch in today's world is so crucial, so important, so fundamental to Hashem's plans for us.

The GUILT of not fulfilling that impossible dream, the unrealistic hope that was drummed into me, the unfulfilled dreams of Rebbes who didn't make it, all weighing down on my shoulders, whispering into my ear "you failed, you are a bad Jew, you let Am Yisroel down".

To be continued .....

TRK