Frum and Gay - not a confession, more important than that

Orthodox gays. I used to think "screw the lot of them", well, you know what I mean. Tough luck mister. The Torah says don't do it, so don't do it. Deal with it. Go to therapy. Overcome your yetser.

Since then I've grown up slightly. I now realize that many of us struggle with our urges and desires, and we don't always conform with Halachah. That doesn't make it right. Let me clarify, I'm talking about males (females are a slightly different issue) who believe in Torah MiSinai and want to keep Taryag mitsvot. This is targeted at them, so please lay off me if you wish to attack me for being homophobic. I'm not, I love the Simpsons/the Iliad (delete according to your level of sophistication). I'm also not discussing the impending gay pride parade in Jerusalem. A different matter entirely.

Let's postulate that I am a mamzer (btw, I'm still known to some people in the Rabbi's community as "the little mamzer"!). For those who don't know, a mamzer is someone born of specific illegitimate unions (I won't define them here), and they cannot marry a Jewish person. (For the record, am not calling gays mamzers or anything of the sort. Just a hypothetical. Relax that throbbing vein in your forehead, take some prozac and C H I L L). If I knew that I would never be able to marry nor have relations acceptable to Halachah, would I remain faithful? Never stray? Would you? I could understand it if someone like that strayed from acceptable Halachic sexual conduct (ie none!) or got married in an Halachically unacceptable marriage. I couldn't condone or accept it, I would prefer it didn't happen, but I can understand it as part of the human condition and a result of the powerful libido we have.

Another hypothetical. For whatever reason, I have a predilection for molesting young boys (G-d forbid) or having intercourse with animals. I may have been molested, beaten, horribly raped, not hugged enough, or worked on a farm as a child, which could rationalize and explain these tendencies of mine and may even come close to justifying them in some way. As society, we can say "we understand and appreciate that you have these urges , however they are wrong. You may be blameworthy as an individual, forces beyond your control seem to have pushed you to do this, but we still hold this to be wrong".

Now take our religious homosexual. Yes take him - for dinner, a movie, who knows what might happen? Let's be straight (no pun intended). Gay sex is wrong. For those of you that don't believe that, this post is not for you. No amount of re-interpretation, textual criticism, or Deriddic deconstructionism (great alliteration, NO IDEA what it means though!) can get around that fact. It's as wrong as me telling loshon horah (slander), eating a bug, or not benching after a satisfying meal.

I'm not going to get into the nature/nurture issue here. My gay friend, I recommend you try therapy, if you believe Hashem tests us and gives us urges, then maybe it will help. Learn constructive Torah, try and overcome your yetser. We all have to to that when faced with our urges. Remember though, if you fail, it is an averah. We all do them - I'm probably doing seventeen of them right now (especially if you hold by the Slifkin-banners). Don't "come out" with it. Don't publicize it. Is it appropriate for me to tell you how many berachot I forgot to say yesterday? Should we have a float at the Israel Parade of "Jewish pig-eaters"? So why "Orthodox Homos"? Keep it in the bedroom, that's where I do some of my best work. I'm not judging you personally, I'm not blaming you, not having ever been in your shoes (two sizes too small for me), but I am asking you to keep it between you, G-d, and anyone you need to talk to or get advice from. Will people talk? Let them talk. Will people try and set you up? Let them try and set you up. Make up a polite excuse. It won't kill you.

Am I asking you to effectively lead a double life? Maybe. But many of us do. You have religious fornicators, porn-addicts, even blog writers who lead two different lives and are scared of getting caught (I'll post on this another time). Should you get married? I honestly don't know the answer to that one. There are so many factors on both sides, I don't know what to say. You would need to consult with someone knowledgeable and trustworthy about that.

So my gay frum friend, I have compassion for you. I think I have an inkling of what you are going through. You might only find the answer you are looking for at 120 when the Ribbono Shel Olam enlightens us, but until then: Be strong. And stay cool. And can you help me out with my wardrobe, because apparently you guys really know how to dress!

TRK