Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Spammers should be shot at dawn

I just merited to receive my first bunch of spamming comments. My cool. calm, collected response is that spamming should be made a capital offence, akin to piracy, and that there should be no jurisdictional issues so that any country can prosecute, torture and slowly kill by leaving the said spammer in a vacuum with my smelly socks.

Imagine how awful it is to see that you have lots of comments, your heartbeat goes faster, your hand excitedly grips the mouse as you teasingly click on the "15 comments" link, savoring the pleasure that comes from knowing people have taken the time out to tell you what crap you write. As you scroll down blogger's box, the excited high becomes a sinking low, reality kicks in and you realize your only commenter is an advanced computer program somewhere in the Phillipines written by a 15 yr old four-eyed geek with no friends and no life. That kind of pain and anguish should be punishable by a brutal, nasty and slow death - the smelly-sock routine - perfectly proportionate in my eyes.

I remember when I got my first p*nis enlargement email. My first thought was an eye opening "How the hell could they know?" followed by a quick "Who could've told them?" after which a thorough search of my bedroom and bathroom for hidden webcams followed, one which would make the FBI proud. It was only after receiving my seventh or eighth that I realized I wasn't being targeted here and I felt comfortable enough tenderly broaching the subject to my friends to see if they got them as well. I then had the idea that if each one PROMISES to increase by 2-4 inches, then if I sign up to 3 or 4 of them I shall soon become King Dong. Let's just say that didn't work, and I have the references to prove it.

Then there was the loveable trustworthy Nigerian man who only needed me to open up a bank account for him so he could transfer his 20 million dollars outside the country, and he was nice enough to promise me 10% of that. I'm still waiting. The Microsoft Beta test which guaranteed me a check for every person I forwarded it to, but after swamping my family and friends' inboxes for weeks it seems that only the people before me in the chain got paid, I must've done it too late. Story of my life.

Dear Spammers, please stop ruining my life. I'm building up my smelly sock collection as we speak, just for you.



At 8/10/2005 9:52 PM, Blogger brianna said...

I feel your pain. We bloggers must unite. These clowns will not get away with free marketing spam. Not under my watch.

At 8/10/2005 10:02 PM, Blogger The Rabbi's Kid said...

Thanks Bri, I just saw that you wrote about a similar subject. By the way, I've followed your lead and banned anonymous ocmments, Sorry people. Please just log in and comment. Thanks.


At 8/10/2005 10:15 PM, Blogger The Rabbi's Kid said...

Just got another one from a registered spammer - someone help me purleease (tearing his hair out in agony). I should just go to sleep.

At 8/11/2005 2:07 AM, Blogger still_figuring_out said...

oh that nigerian man.
he has emailed me many times under many different names.
i always tell him i`m rich enough, do not need his money, thank you very much.



At 8/11/2005 4:16 AM, Blogger Gavriel said...

I want someone to invent a spam program that at least has enough artificial intelligence to read the damn post first and leave some relevant appreciation of the writing before dropping in the pitch.

--This comment brought to you by Viagra, and Spamalax, makers of the new SpamBot 2000.

At 8/11/2005 5:56 AM, Blogger Karl said...

I'm sure you'll be pleased to know some spammer(s) have been fined and had to pay up to Microsoft and AOL.

At 8/11/2005 7:09 AM, Blogger Elster said...


The GOOD news, if there is any, is that getting spam on your blog means that it's a popular enough site to warrant it? Doesn't it?

And by the way, I am selling a wonderful skin ointment on my site (SiteLink Here), you should really check it out!!!

At 8/11/2005 8:45 AM, Blogger ghetto said...

karl i was flooded with the microsoft aol will give you £££££££'s email yesterday its been around for ever and i cannot beleive ppl are so stupiddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

At 8/11/2005 10:21 AM, Blogger Karl said...

The worst is when they say they will give a dollar to charity for every email sent etc. and then people send it on to every one they know saying may as well try. Really gets to me too how stupid they are.
The latest seems to to be spim.

At 8/11/2005 4:45 PM, Blogger Chana said...

Oh, that was hilarious.

Your "calm, cool and collected response," or "frantic searching of bedrooms."

Excellent ;)

At 8/11/2005 4:57 PM, Blogger ClooJew said...

How about this?

Take down the iformation of the company that comments and then, lulei demistafina, BILL THEM for advertising.

If they don't pay, take them to Small Claims Court.

Or find some way to jam up their websites.

Or keep collecting smelly socks.

At 8/11/2005 6:01 PM, Blogger ceiling fan bulbs said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 8/11/2005 10:45 PM, Blogger The Rabbi's Kid said...

Thanks guys, they are still coming, slowly, advacing, creeping towards me in the dead of the night, those horrible little creatures with their cybertendrils, going to probe me and use the information for advertising products on my blog!

At 8/12/2005 12:07 AM, Blogger Mrs. Tantrum said...

Hilarious viewpoint, I couldn't agree with you more!
But I did hear AOL sued spammers. Though, on second thought, they should fine themselves.

At 9/19/2005 11:24 AM, Blogger Mata Hari said...

you're a good writer


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